Struggle of the Torah almost Woman

Another Poem written by Chana Yehudis Zahav (c) 2009
Written 6/6/2005

I have a growing hidden pain,
In the place where an embryo should be.
I have a yearning deep inside
That longs to be set free.

Free from longing and loneliness,
Free from looks and stares,
Free from other peoples crying babies,
And free from my own despair.

I have a growing hidden love,
For a child that is not yet conceived.
And though I know there is always hope,
Why is it so hard, just about this, to believe?

I have a growing hidden guilt
That this is in every way my fault.
For if this is what Hashem wants of us,
What does that say about my worth?

I have a firm belief that G-d
is doing this for the best of us all.
And so when all is said and done,
I have become a living, breathing, prayer.

Upstairs

Sounds of joy waft towards me
Like a noose strangling my soul.

Childish laughter and prattle
That another might find droll.

Parents pleasantly entertaining,
Or languishing due to babies cries,
The sounds of a happy baby gurgling
And a toddler’s battle cry.

If I listen long enough
I can almost make believe
That the mothers weary footsteps
Are being tread by me.

On the verge of laughter and tears
At the beauty I do not possess
The pain comes poignantly as ever
As I remember my biggest test.

No childish laughter and tears
fill our home with their ringing cries
and though I can pretend for a minute
that what I hear upstairs is mine,
it hurts all the more when reality
wakes me up with its empty silence.

This poem was written by Chana Yehudis Zahav (c) 2009. More to come...