Popping Buttons

The things we go through when struggling with infertility - most people probably think of the emotional turmoil, the financial ramifications (no big vacation for us) and the many doctor appointments and medications. Me, I think of popping buttons; shirt buttons that is. The joy of fertility medication is the effect it has on your body. For me - one of those includes a "little" swelling on the top part - I can't just pull anything out of my closet to wear, but need to think about the looser clothes - one's without buttons down the middle. Though it is humorous to try on a top you always thought fit you, close the button and have it open itself immediately - luckily I only tried this twice before giving up and realizing that shirt can go in the back of the closet now. The emotional, financial and intimate relationship with the appointment desk at the doctor's office are all still there - though we've added the popping buttons - the need to provide some lighthearted amusement to the whole process seems to be built in for our enjoyment - maybe I will try on another button down shirt tomorrow...

Where has the doctor gone?

So we are taking a month off from treatment. Between traveling for almost 2 weeks for Pesach and insurance issues we are forced to take a break. You don't realize until you stop going to the doctor how integral to your life it has become. Waking up over an hour earlier on a regular basis to make sure you get to the doctor before work, showing up at work late because the doctor was running behind - it becomes part of your schedule and habit. I am at a lost of what to do with myself when I am not keeping track of which arm they should prick so I don't have black and blue marks all over. I'm not spending my morning anxiously waiting for a call from my nurse letting me know what the next step is, trying to be productive at work but not always succeeding.

It is such a change from how you imagine married life. Growing up in an orthodox home sexuality was not really discussed much in the home or at school. You get the basics eventually, but mostly it is a taboo topic, whispered on the side if spoken at all. I've become so desensitized to that - sexuality has become a regular topic of conversation with the doctors, nurses, rabbis and even between myself and my spouse. It has become a condition, an issue you must treat. I've learned so much about the female body (and the male's) in our journey through infertility, information that I definitely feel I would have benefited from knowing earlier. We are the most important advocate for ourselves, and we must arm ourselves with as much information as possible. Even when you are not in the midst of a treatment cycle, we must continue to learn about the obstacles we are facing. I am fortunate that I have found a practice that I feel comfortable with, I have a nurse who is always responsive to my questions. However, where has the doctor gone? In some ways there is a piece of that role in me. I would never assume to know what is the best treatment or what dosage to take, but I do know how it makes me feel, I do know the side effects I might experience and the emotional strain my body is enduring.

But, we are taking a break - the doctor is still in their office, hopefully sharing the happy news with some couple that their cycle was a success. But for us, for the moment, we have left the doctor at their office. We will hopefully return after Pesach (insurance issues permitting), but for now we will just be - no doctor visits, blood samples to give or shots to take. Though it might seem like an ideal situation, in all honestly I miss the doctor, I miss feeling that I am trying to do something, trying to bring us closer to having a family.