Popping Buttons

The things we go through when struggling with infertility - most people probably think of the emotional turmoil, the financial ramifications (no big vacation for us) and the many doctor appointments and medications. Me, I think of popping buttons; shirt buttons that is. The joy of fertility medication is the effect it has on your body. For me - one of those includes a "little" swelling on the top part - I can't just pull anything out of my closet to wear, but need to think about the looser clothes - one's without buttons down the middle. Though it is humorous to try on a top you always thought fit you, close the button and have it open itself immediately - luckily I only tried this twice before giving up and realizing that shirt can go in the back of the closet now. The emotional, financial and intimate relationship with the appointment desk at the doctor's office are all still there - though we've added the popping buttons - the need to provide some lighthearted amusement to the whole process seems to be built in for our enjoyment - maybe I will try on another button down shirt tomorrow...

Gambling for Treatment

So within about a 15 minute drive of the Las Vegas strip there are 4 different fertility clinics. How do I know this you might ask? I was privileged enough to visit one of these "fine" institutions while in Vegas for a conference - yes, fertility treatment does not stop for anything. So it took calling 3 of the clinics before I could find one that would see an out-of-town patient, and apparently they assumed I was going to go gambling first so I could afford a visit to their office. Though that only would have worked at the $5 black jack table if I won every hand for a couple of hours. Amazing the Vegas office was twice as much as my DC office - and made me wait even longer. There was one thing I noticed that was very interesting. In DC I am usually the youngest looking patient in the office. In Vegas, I seemed to fit right in - whether people on the west coast just look younger or the multitude of wedding chapels gets people thinking about infertility at a younger age - I couldn't tell you - but in an odd way I felt a little more comfortable sitting in their waiting room (that was of course until I got the bill). The bottom line is, in dealing with infertility treatment the end result might be a gamble, but the treatment we never gamble with. Many people may be able to relate to the emotional side of infertility, but what they don't get is how it so controls every aspect of your life. I couldn't stop seeing a doctor for ever a couple of days, I checked in with the TSA about how to bring my needles and medication on the plane, I always have to make sure when it is time to give myself my shot I am with my medication, supplies and supposedly in a convenient place to do it - though I was privileged to give myself a shot on a turbulent plane. I refuse to gamble for treatment, besides the economic impact, the chance that there is something in my power to do - I must push full forward. The result is not up to me and I recognize that gamble and the payoff for winning...that's is something I would gamble all my money for.

I Love my Target Pharmacist

So there are many things one comes to realize while going through infertility treatment - for me, one is that I love my Target pharmacist. We've been using the same pharmacy for more than two years, and though initially I didn't realize just how great my pharmacist is - I definitely do now. So what makes him so special you might ask. He cares. Many times we feel like we are going at this alone, even with seeing the doctors and nurses and talking to friends - those relationships are so tied up with other issues/committments that it doesn't always come across as the support that we sometimes crave. But our pharmacist, he has nothing to gain, yet he is sensitive and caring to what we are going through. He wishes us luck when we pick-up our next cycle of medication and most recently is holding our medication for us in the hope we are able to start another cycle - no questions, just sensitivity and support. It's a weird place to find comfort, but after hearing bad news from your doctor or the excitement of being able to try it's nice to know there is a friendly, caring guy thinking about not just my medicine, but us.

Ultimatum to G-D

So apparently I was supposed to fast today - the Shelah Hakodesh, a 16th century Kabbalist wrote a prayer for parents to say for/on behalf of their children. Well, today, on the eve of the month of Sivan is the ideal time to say the prayer. Why you might ask? In under a week us Jews will celebrate the anniversary of the giving of the Torah - at this point the Jews where likened to G-d's children, G-d playing both the role of mother and father at various times. As we begin this month and recognize our own birth as a people it a chance for us to ask for that role or to thank G-d for the children he has already given us. So one line in the prayer stood out - "My eyes dependently look toward you until you will be gracious to me and hear my please and grant me sons and daughters." So there is the ultimatum G-d - you are going to have to put up with me until we have more than a two person family. Therefore, if you don't want to listen to me complaining, pleading, with my eyes on you - you know what to do.

Pineaple Candies - The newest miracle drug

Newsflash! Have you heard? The latest infertility medical drug has just been released - and you'd never guess what it is - pineapple candies! So, you are probably wondering what medical journal I found this in and what pharmacy is willing to fill a prescription for this miracle drug. It's from the Israeli Journal of Segulas - never heard of it? - let me tell you all about it. We Jews like omens and symbols. We'll drink the wine after a bride and groom in hope of finding our own mate, we'll change someone's name if they get sick to include words meaning life and healing and we eat pineapple candies. We recently "came out" and have been open about the struggle with infertility we are going through. So my mom told one of her good friends who also dealt with infertility many years ago and remained active in the advocacy area. The story is there is a grocery store in Israel that apparently has a chair inside of it and anyone who has sat in the chair has merited to have a child. The problem is we are in Maryland and the chair is in Israel. The solution - buy pineapple candies from the store and they substitute for sitting in the chair. So my mom's friend sent me 12 pineapple candies - not a bad dosage. The tough question now is - when to eat them?

Who keeps putting bricks on the wall

So we have the saying we feel like we are up against a wall - well somehow our wall keeps on growing taller. Everytime we think we might be on the right track, working towards starting our family, someone lays another brick. We've faced a myriad of problems with the insurance, canceled cycles, incompatible medicines (got to love that - one works great and the other just prevents anything good from happening), delayed trains that make you completely miss your appointment (by almost 2 hours), timing that just doesn't work because of Shabbat or Yom Tov, the outrageous cost of medications, the emotional battle and so much more, but I think we get the idea. And the latest - we decide that no matter what the cost we are going to try at least once more before going to Israel for the year, knowing crazily that if it works we are on our own - but now that can't happen because another cycle got canceled, and maybe not just this one, but our chances for trying for the next couple of months - residual affects of the last medication have screwed with the body. So the wall keeps getting higher and we are stuck on the wrong side without a ladder or a sledgehammer or anything to take the wall down and we don't know how to find our way over. Some will say prayer and mizvot are the answers and maybe they are helping, maybe it is slowing the rate of the builders of the wall - but the wall is still there and we're still stuck on the wroong side.

Insensitivity Abounds

Why do people feel the need to point out to you that you don't have kids yet? I know that very well, thank you very much. Yet certain acquaintances of ours feel the need to mention this fact to us every time we see them and the problem is they are just acquaintances. We have begun telling a lot of our closer friends, but how do you tell an acquaintance - "hey, by the way please don't remind me that I don't have kids - I've been trying for almost 2 years." I don't need to be continually reminded that there are people my age in the community who are on number 2 or 3. I don't need the topic of conversation at every social event to be who is expecting, how everyone is feeling and how many of their clothes they have grown out of. I know I was probably like some of those people before, not realizing how insensitive and stupid things we say are and it is a trait I am definitely working hard to overcome, whether it is about having children, jobs, religious practices or anything else. I am trying to come up with a response that I can share with the random insensitive comments we receive, but so far nothing. And the most frusterating thing is I feel like I am starting to avoid situations where I feel like this will come up - and that is just annoying. I feel like I want to be on this mission now to awaken people to their actions, but at the same time I don't want to be the one everyone feels bad for and stops talking while in the room - so I just avoid at the moment, which I know is not healthy, but what else can I do?