Struggle of the Torah almost Woman

Another Poem written by Chana Yehudis Zahav (c) 2009
Written 6/6/2005

I have a growing hidden pain,
In the place where an embryo should be.
I have a yearning deep inside
That longs to be set free.

Free from longing and loneliness,
Free from looks and stares,
Free from other peoples crying babies,
And free from my own despair.

I have a growing hidden love,
For a child that is not yet conceived.
And though I know there is always hope,
Why is it so hard, just about this, to believe?

I have a growing hidden guilt
That this is in every way my fault.
For if this is what Hashem wants of us,
What does that say about my worth?

I have a firm belief that G-d
is doing this for the best of us all.
And so when all is said and done,
I have become a living, breathing, prayer.

Upstairs

Sounds of joy waft towards me
Like a noose strangling my soul.

Childish laughter and prattle
That another might find droll.

Parents pleasantly entertaining,
Or languishing due to babies cries,
The sounds of a happy baby gurgling
And a toddler’s battle cry.

If I listen long enough
I can almost make believe
That the mothers weary footsteps
Are being tread by me.

On the verge of laughter and tears
At the beauty I do not possess
The pain comes poignantly as ever
As I remember my biggest test.

No childish laughter and tears
fill our home with their ringing cries
and though I can pretend for a minute
that what I hear upstairs is mine,
it hurts all the more when reality
wakes me up with its empty silence.

This poem was written by Chana Yehudis Zahav (c) 2009. More to come...

Sharing

In the past couple of weeks I have had a number of people approach me about infertility. None of these people where those that I shared and confided in, but all heard about our struggle with infertility through others that though they choose as a confident, had not necessarily dealt with infertility themselves. I know "coming out" is not easy - it takes a lot of personal strength and motivation for both the husband and wife, but it is really important to at least tell someone. We don't realize how much support and strength we can get even just from knowing someone else had to deal with the same situation, even more so having the ability to talk with someone who has an inkling of what it is like. We all face different obstacles in our road to fertility and I by no means claim to comprehend the individual challenges each person faces, but we can provide tremendous levels of support for each other. Please talk with someone - a family member, friend, support group or myself. I am more than happy to personally be in contact with anyone through email or phone. You can find my email address at the bottom of my article at http://www.jewishwomensnet.com/infertility.php

For Your Information

I've written an article with some advice/points to think about if you are dealing with infertility. Please feel free to check it out and hopefully it may be of help to you.
http://www.jewishwomensnet.com/infertility.php

The Empty Womb...

... Is Empty again. We gave birth to a healthy baby girl almost a week ago. Our struggle with infertility might not be over, but we have won the initial battle - we have a beautiful girl and could not wish for anything more. We are adjusting to this new phase of our lives - though ironically some things stay the same (the doctor's still view my arm as a pin cushion). We are extremely thankful to all the patience, support, guidance and direction provided to us by the fertility clinic, family and friends. We also bestow our highest thanks to G-d for giving us this blessing and we hope that it will continue and our daughter will be able to share her life with siblings in the future.

We have encountered people, who unfortunately, share the idea that if it worked out for me, it will work out for you. For everyone else out there who continues to struggle with infertility, I know that is not helpful advice, but I do hope with all my heart that you are speedily granted the opportunity we have received to have a healthy baby.

The Final Countdown

We are under the 10 week mark until the expected arrival of Baby Branda. Through all the trying and intervention, it is still sometimes hard to fathom how close we are now. Instead of coordinating our schedules around blood tests and other medical interventions, we are now scheduling around hospital tours and baby store hours (we made our first purchase last week of our stroller). Our path to how we got here is still fresh in our minds, though we appreciate and welcome all the new things and scheduling we have to learn.

Courage of the courageous

So we went to a lecture last night given by the author of the relatively recently released book Infertility in the Bible. All of us who go through infertility have a unique story to share and have faced challenges specific to our unique situation, but one thing that this lecture proved, and we must continually remind ourselves of, is that we are all courageous individuals. Whether it is the trauma we put ourselves through physically and/or emotionally, whether it is our smiling face for others happiness, or whether it was the ability to just get out of bed on any given morning - we are courageous. However, as the lecturer also pointed out - we do not need to face this alone - even if we are uncomfortable talking with individuals or attending support groups we have the ability to obtain immense levels of support from our matriarchs and patriarchs - how they dealt with infertility and how they dealt with suffering in general. May we all have the courage to continue our battles and see our prayers for children answered.