In response to a previous comment

My apologizes for a delayed response - I need to figure out how to have the site alert me if there is a comment. Second - I wish you and your husband success on your family building journey.

To your question - personally, I would be hesitant approaching someone that I wasn't close with and sure that they were dealing with the same issue I was. There are many reasons why people might not be having children - economics, education, job issues or medical. Without knowing which you run the risk of potentially offending the person. My two suggestions would be if you have a friend who is closer to this person maybe they could act as an intermediary for you. Alternatively, if you are comfortable being open just start talking about it in front of anyone and people will find you. I can't tell you how many people have come my way even indirectly because I made a comment to someone else. And I'm talking along the lines of - we're going through infertility treatment, I had to get up so early this morning for monitoring for treatment, we're working on building a family but need some medical help - anything you feel comfortable with.

Alternatively - find a support group through your clinic or Resolve - they might not get the community you are coming from but they get what you are going through. Ask the mikvah attendant - when I first wanted someone to talk with I called up the woman who runs the local mikvah and she put me in touch with someone. Join an online support group - ivillage, soulsisters for pcos, conceiveonline, atime, etc.

I hope some of this is helpful to you and I am more than happy to talk with you via email or phone - you can reach me at irbranda at yahoo.com.

Good luck on your journey.

Red or Green

Don't you sometimes wish your belly button was actually a light? Ok maybe I'm just crazy that way. I decided though that it would be really great if your belly button would let you know stuff about what's going on inside these crazy bodies of ours. Red - nothing happening - no ovulating or baby - depending on the time of the month. Green - get going you have some baby making to do or need to see a doctor because there is already a baby inside. None of this peeing on a stick every day to check fertility levels, or spitting on a "fern" reader. No waiting at the end, just instant answers. So I shared this idea with Aaron and he had one issue. Though red usually is negative and green is positive when you think of spaces red is usually occupied and green is vacant. So would the green light mean there is a baby or that the womb is vacant? So now people would get confused and start second guessing their belly button light and that's not helpful for anyone. So I guess we just need to put up with the system we have and come up with another use for the belly button. Any suggestions?

Mother's Day Reflections

As I "celebrate" my second monther's day, I must take a moment to pause for everyone out their wishing to be first time, second, third or more times around mothers. As a society I think we are becoming more aware, and maybe even sensitive, to primary infertility. However, I think there is still a large lack of awareness for secondary infertility. Many people are fortunate to have 1, maybe 2, children without any medical intervention, and then for a variety of reasons might no longer be able to conceive on their own. Many people know they can't conceive on their own and will need medical intervention for anytime they want children. And here is the kicker - no one thinks you have an issue - we are quick to judge if someone doesn't have any children that maybe they are having issues - but we don't think about it after they have one. For us we must deal with the same struggles we dealt with the first time around - when to go to the doctor, what to tell people, where can we save a little more money from to make this work? I am ecstatic to be able to hug my daughter and celebrate this hallmark day with her. However, in the back of my mind there is always that thought will mother's day be more than 1 for me sometime soon?

To all the mother's out there - whether you got to this point naturally or with medical help - may you always see the joy and love your child/ren bring you. For those waiting to be mothers - I hope your prays are answered speedily and by next mother's day you will be holding a precious bundle in your hands.

Infertility Vent

Can I just vent for a moment...Why do people feel the need to consciously or not throw infertility in people's faces? I ran into a high school classmate in Chicago when I was in the park with Adira. They asked if this was my first child, to which the answer is yes for any of you not keeping track. She then proceeded to ask me how many years I've been married. What is the benefit of that question? I answer 5 to which you can then think I'm not "jewish" enough for waiting that long to have a child or maybe I wasn't waiting and you just reminded me of that fact (while you walk around with your 4 year old). Seriously, what did that question accomplish?

If we want to put such a value on people having children, and hopefully raising them to be inspiring members of the jewish community, we need to support that ideal not push it down. Those of us who have dealt with, and continue to deal with, primary or secondary infertility put a tremendous value on having children. We wake up at ungodly hours of the morning to get to our doctor's appointments before going into work. We allow are arms to become pin cushions. We learn on oranges how to inject ourselves with drugs. We spend thousands of dollars before having the opportunity to pay for day school tuition. Please don't look down on me for only having one child - I'd happily have more. Please don't calculate how long it takes me to have a child - I know the math all too well. Just say something nice about my daughter and let me be proud of the fact that she is sharing the world with you and your family.

Struggle of the Torah almost Woman

Another Poem written by Chana Yehudis Zahav (c) 2009
Written 6/6/2005

I have a growing hidden pain,
In the place where an embryo should be.
I have a yearning deep inside
That longs to be set free.

Free from longing and loneliness,
Free from looks and stares,
Free from other peoples crying babies,
And free from my own despair.

I have a growing hidden love,
For a child that is not yet conceived.
And though I know there is always hope,
Why is it so hard, just about this, to believe?

I have a growing hidden guilt
That this is in every way my fault.
For if this is what Hashem wants of us,
What does that say about my worth?

I have a firm belief that G-d
is doing this for the best of us all.
And so when all is said and done,
I have become a living, breathing, prayer.

Upstairs

Sounds of joy waft towards me
Like a noose strangling my soul.

Childish laughter and prattle
That another might find droll.

Parents pleasantly entertaining,
Or languishing due to babies cries,
The sounds of a happy baby gurgling
And a toddler’s battle cry.

If I listen long enough
I can almost make believe
That the mothers weary footsteps
Are being tread by me.

On the verge of laughter and tears
At the beauty I do not possess
The pain comes poignantly as ever
As I remember my biggest test.

No childish laughter and tears
fill our home with their ringing cries
and though I can pretend for a minute
that what I hear upstairs is mine,
it hurts all the more when reality
wakes me up with its empty silence.

This poem was written by Chana Yehudis Zahav (c) 2009. More to come...

Sharing

In the past couple of weeks I have had a number of people approach me about infertility. None of these people where those that I shared and confided in, but all heard about our struggle with infertility through others that though they choose as a confident, had not necessarily dealt with infertility themselves. I know "coming out" is not easy - it takes a lot of personal strength and motivation for both the husband and wife, but it is really important to at least tell someone. We don't realize how much support and strength we can get even just from knowing someone else had to deal with the same situation, even more so having the ability to talk with someone who has an inkling of what it is like. We all face different obstacles in our road to fertility and I by no means claim to comprehend the individual challenges each person faces, but we can provide tremendous levels of support for each other. Please talk with someone - a family member, friend, support group or myself. I am more than happy to personally be in contact with anyone through email or phone. You can find my email address at the bottom of my article at http://www.jewishwomensnet.com/infertility.php