I Love my Target Pharmacist

So there are many things one comes to realize while going through infertility treatment - for me, one is that I love my Target pharmacist. We've been using the same pharmacy for more than two years, and though initially I didn't realize just how great my pharmacist is - I definitely do now. So what makes him so special you might ask. He cares. Many times we feel like we are going at this alone, even with seeing the doctors and nurses and talking to friends - those relationships are so tied up with other issues/committments that it doesn't always come across as the support that we sometimes crave. But our pharmacist, he has nothing to gain, yet he is sensitive and caring to what we are going through. He wishes us luck when we pick-up our next cycle of medication and most recently is holding our medication for us in the hope we are able to start another cycle - no questions, just sensitivity and support. It's a weird place to find comfort, but after hearing bad news from your doctor or the excitement of being able to try it's nice to know there is a friendly, caring guy thinking about not just my medicine, but us.

Ultimatum to G-D

So apparently I was supposed to fast today - the Shelah Hakodesh, a 16th century Kabbalist wrote a prayer for parents to say for/on behalf of their children. Well, today, on the eve of the month of Sivan is the ideal time to say the prayer. Why you might ask? In under a week us Jews will celebrate the anniversary of the giving of the Torah - at this point the Jews where likened to G-d's children, G-d playing both the role of mother and father at various times. As we begin this month and recognize our own birth as a people it a chance for us to ask for that role or to thank G-d for the children he has already given us. So one line in the prayer stood out - "My eyes dependently look toward you until you will be gracious to me and hear my please and grant me sons and daughters." So there is the ultimatum G-d - you are going to have to put up with me until we have more than a two person family. Therefore, if you don't want to listen to me complaining, pleading, with my eyes on you - you know what to do.

Pineaple Candies - The newest miracle drug

Newsflash! Have you heard? The latest infertility medical drug has just been released - and you'd never guess what it is - pineapple candies! So, you are probably wondering what medical journal I found this in and what pharmacy is willing to fill a prescription for this miracle drug. It's from the Israeli Journal of Segulas - never heard of it? - let me tell you all about it. We Jews like omens and symbols. We'll drink the wine after a bride and groom in hope of finding our own mate, we'll change someone's name if they get sick to include words meaning life and healing and we eat pineapple candies. We recently "came out" and have been open about the struggle with infertility we are going through. So my mom told one of her good friends who also dealt with infertility many years ago and remained active in the advocacy area. The story is there is a grocery store in Israel that apparently has a chair inside of it and anyone who has sat in the chair has merited to have a child. The problem is we are in Maryland and the chair is in Israel. The solution - buy pineapple candies from the store and they substitute for sitting in the chair. So my mom's friend sent me 12 pineapple candies - not a bad dosage. The tough question now is - when to eat them?

Who keeps putting bricks on the wall

So we have the saying we feel like we are up against a wall - well somehow our wall keeps on growing taller. Everytime we think we might be on the right track, working towards starting our family, someone lays another brick. We've faced a myriad of problems with the insurance, canceled cycles, incompatible medicines (got to love that - one works great and the other just prevents anything good from happening), delayed trains that make you completely miss your appointment (by almost 2 hours), timing that just doesn't work because of Shabbat or Yom Tov, the outrageous cost of medications, the emotional battle and so much more, but I think we get the idea. And the latest - we decide that no matter what the cost we are going to try at least once more before going to Israel for the year, knowing crazily that if it works we are on our own - but now that can't happen because another cycle got canceled, and maybe not just this one, but our chances for trying for the next couple of months - residual affects of the last medication have screwed with the body. So the wall keeps getting higher and we are stuck on the wrong side without a ladder or a sledgehammer or anything to take the wall down and we don't know how to find our way over. Some will say prayer and mizvot are the answers and maybe they are helping, maybe it is slowing the rate of the builders of the wall - but the wall is still there and we're still stuck on the wroong side.

Insensitivity Abounds

Why do people feel the need to point out to you that you don't have kids yet? I know that very well, thank you very much. Yet certain acquaintances of ours feel the need to mention this fact to us every time we see them and the problem is they are just acquaintances. We have begun telling a lot of our closer friends, but how do you tell an acquaintance - "hey, by the way please don't remind me that I don't have kids - I've been trying for almost 2 years." I don't need to be continually reminded that there are people my age in the community who are on number 2 or 3. I don't need the topic of conversation at every social event to be who is expecting, how everyone is feeling and how many of their clothes they have grown out of. I know I was probably like some of those people before, not realizing how insensitive and stupid things we say are and it is a trait I am definitely working hard to overcome, whether it is about having children, jobs, religious practices or anything else. I am trying to come up with a response that I can share with the random insensitive comments we receive, but so far nothing. And the most frusterating thing is I feel like I am starting to avoid situations where I feel like this will come up - and that is just annoying. I feel like I want to be on this mission now to awaken people to their actions, but at the same time I don't want to be the one everyone feels bad for and stops talking while in the room - so I just avoid at the moment, which I know is not healthy, but what else can I do?

Where has the doctor gone?

So we are taking a month off from treatment. Between traveling for almost 2 weeks for Pesach and insurance issues we are forced to take a break. You don't realize until you stop going to the doctor how integral to your life it has become. Waking up over an hour earlier on a regular basis to make sure you get to the doctor before work, showing up at work late because the doctor was running behind - it becomes part of your schedule and habit. I am at a lost of what to do with myself when I am not keeping track of which arm they should prick so I don't have black and blue marks all over. I'm not spending my morning anxiously waiting for a call from my nurse letting me know what the next step is, trying to be productive at work but not always succeeding.

It is such a change from how you imagine married life. Growing up in an orthodox home sexuality was not really discussed much in the home or at school. You get the basics eventually, but mostly it is a taboo topic, whispered on the side if spoken at all. I've become so desensitized to that - sexuality has become a regular topic of conversation with the doctors, nurses, rabbis and even between myself and my spouse. It has become a condition, an issue you must treat. I've learned so much about the female body (and the male's) in our journey through infertility, information that I definitely feel I would have benefited from knowing earlier. We are the most important advocate for ourselves, and we must arm ourselves with as much information as possible. Even when you are not in the midst of a treatment cycle, we must continue to learn about the obstacles we are facing. I am fortunate that I have found a practice that I feel comfortable with, I have a nurse who is always responsive to my questions. However, where has the doctor gone? In some ways there is a piece of that role in me. I would never assume to know what is the best treatment or what dosage to take, but I do know how it makes me feel, I do know the side effects I might experience and the emotional strain my body is enduring.

But, we are taking a break - the doctor is still in their office, hopefully sharing the happy news with some couple that their cycle was a success. But for us, for the moment, we have left the doctor at their office. We will hopefully return after Pesach (insurance issues permitting), but for now we will just be - no doctor visits, blood samples to give or shots to take. Though it might seem like an ideal situation, in all honestly I miss the doctor, I miss feeling that I am trying to do something, trying to bring us closer to having a family.

Flowers and Fertility

Our jewish belief tells us that are names become a part of us, signify who we are and speak back to the heritage we came from. We look to the biblical stories to learn about the traits we can emulate, the people we can become. I have the middle name Rachel - our matriarch who stood by her husband while his other wife and two concubines had children, but Rachel had none. The torah states that Rachel was jealous of her sister. Upon further examination it appears that she was jealous of the characteristics and merits her sister must have that allowed her to have so many children. Rachel understood that the ability to conceive and carry a baby to term are not just about a sperm and an egg meeting, but about a miraculous gift that God gives us. It has taken me some time to come to this realization, and it is a battle that I still struggle with.

I think my first IUI did it for me though - multiple eggs, the right number of sperm and a nice thick lining - but the day of my pregnancy test yielded a no. Medically, all seemed to be going well, but there is another step that needs to occur, that we can't control - the miracle of every aspect coming together - its not just the measurable numbers. Rachel was jealous of whatever "it" was that allowed the miracle to occur for her sister and not for her. I look at other people and I am happy for them that they have been blessed with children in their lives - but at the same time there is that tinge of jealousy - why don't we deserve the miracle of conception - what don't we know that is preventing us from having a family?

The problem is you start to ask yourselves these questions and it leads you down a dangerous path. Rachel at points was grasping for straws - she gave away a night with her husband for dudaim - a flower that supposedly promoted fertility; she screamed at her husband, 'if you don't give me children, it is like I am dead." But where did that lead her? What did she learn about her life that she didn't already know? How can you live second guessing every action you make? Maybe if I am just nicer, pray more, keep more mitzvot, do more acts of kindness...but where does it stop? Where do you stop questioning your life and start living it? I catch myself sometimes thinking about what could be, how my life could be different if I had that "it", what does everyone else around me have that I don't, but that doesn't get me anywhere besides feeling down and empty. For whatever reason my husband and I are not pregnant, nor have a child already. I keep the hope that one day we will have that "it" we will witness the miracle of conception not through family and friends, but with the beginning of our own family. Rachel did have a child and I hope that at least that part of her story becomes my own.