Flowers and Fertility

Our jewish belief tells us that are names become a part of us, signify who we are and speak back to the heritage we came from. We look to the biblical stories to learn about the traits we can emulate, the people we can become. I have the middle name Rachel - our matriarch who stood by her husband while his other wife and two concubines had children, but Rachel had none. The torah states that Rachel was jealous of her sister. Upon further examination it appears that she was jealous of the characteristics and merits her sister must have that allowed her to have so many children. Rachel understood that the ability to conceive and carry a baby to term are not just about a sperm and an egg meeting, but about a miraculous gift that God gives us. It has taken me some time to come to this realization, and it is a battle that I still struggle with.

I think my first IUI did it for me though - multiple eggs, the right number of sperm and a nice thick lining - but the day of my pregnancy test yielded a no. Medically, all seemed to be going well, but there is another step that needs to occur, that we can't control - the miracle of every aspect coming together - its not just the measurable numbers. Rachel was jealous of whatever "it" was that allowed the miracle to occur for her sister and not for her. I look at other people and I am happy for them that they have been blessed with children in their lives - but at the same time there is that tinge of jealousy - why don't we deserve the miracle of conception - what don't we know that is preventing us from having a family?

The problem is you start to ask yourselves these questions and it leads you down a dangerous path. Rachel at points was grasping for straws - she gave away a night with her husband for dudaim - a flower that supposedly promoted fertility; she screamed at her husband, 'if you don't give me children, it is like I am dead." But where did that lead her? What did she learn about her life that she didn't already know? How can you live second guessing every action you make? Maybe if I am just nicer, pray more, keep more mitzvot, do more acts of kindness...but where does it stop? Where do you stop questioning your life and start living it? I catch myself sometimes thinking about what could be, how my life could be different if I had that "it", what does everyone else around me have that I don't, but that doesn't get me anywhere besides feeling down and empty. For whatever reason my husband and I are not pregnant, nor have a child already. I keep the hope that one day we will have that "it" we will witness the miracle of conception not through family and friends, but with the beginning of our own family. Rachel did have a child and I hope that at least that part of her story becomes my own.