Kick-Kick

So I've known now for many weeks that there was something growing inside of me. I've gone through the initial stages of elation and gratitude that after the obstacles we faced we are across the street and continuing on the path. However, it was primarily an emotional shift (yes I dealt with some nausea and other limited changes, but nothing so extreme) until now. Now I am receiving a constant reminder that our lives our changing, that soon we will be privileged to have a child in our lives. The continuous movements on the baby remind me of this amazing milestone we are aiming to reach. It is not just about getting clothes that fit, or always feeling hungry, but their is a life there that we will soon be responsible for to protect, provide for and teach. We having been yearning for this opportunity for sometime and the constant kicks serve as a reminder to us that our task is just beginning. This baby is reaching out to us - Knock, Knock - don't forget about me, prepare yourselves and appreciate how incredibly lucky and thankful we are for this upcoming opportunity.

Shifting Roles

We generally become comfortable with our roles and prefer to stay in those roles, but sometimes we are looking for that shift, even though it might not be easy. This is a shift I've been waiting for - going from the infertile woman to the expecting mother-to-be. Its a role we've been spending our emotional strength, money and time working our way towards, and now that we are there how do we navigate. It is important to me that how I got to this point is a part of my identity, a part of who this baby will be. The excitement is there, but I know for many it is not there yet and I don't want to be the expecting mother who reminds them of that constantly. It is another balance I will work towards achieving in my life.

The Phone Call

It's the little things that change your life. Picking a college orientation date where you meet your future husband. Paying a dollar for some random numbers and winning the lottery (no that did not happen to us), or picking up your phone one day and hearing the words congratulations at the other end. Our last cycle led to these results and we are unbelievably joyful to announce the future birth of our first child. The name of this blog is The Empty Womb, and though I am privileged to have mine occupied for another 6, or so, months, the experiences that we have gone through will always be a part of us as we celebrate this milestone. We are extremely grateful for the support provided by family, friends and an amazing medical staff. Most importantly we thank Hashem for "remembering" us and continue to pray that all should be healthy.

Are we there yet?

The age old question that we would always ask our parents when traveling somewhere - Are we there yet? We were impatient, ready to get out of the car, plane or train, anxiously awaiting the next part of our adventure. We didn't comprehend how annoying this was to our parents, because all we knew, at that point, was we didn't want to be in our current location. With infertility you get to play the parent you dream of becoming. You are faced with various forms of the question are we there yet on a regular basis. The passed along comments - I'm surprised they don't have kids yet, haven't they been married long enough. The introductions - its just the two of them with a pause at the end, the general comments of everyone has a kid with the unspoken question why don't you. The hardest part is I'm sure I used to play this game also - the did you here who is pregnant know with the unspoken understanding that others are not, or wondering in surprise whether out-loud or silently what's the deal with this couple or that couple. We take for granted that our journeys will be short and always lead us directly to the great adventure at the end, whether it is a childhood trip to Disney or the welcoming of a baby in your family. However, for many, the road is much longer and fraught with so many more obstacles. We ask ourselves are we there yet and we are asked by others are you there yet. If only we could really see it through our parents eyes and recognize that they were making the best possible decisions they could to share with us a great adventure at the end. If we trusted them maybe our impatience would have been relieved, if we could see the road through there eyes, maybe we would have never questioned. We think we grow out of this habit, however, do we really? We might stop using the words are we there yet but we still look around and question other people's lives, question the road they are on, wondering when they might reach the end. We must strive to remember their road is different than ours, and just hope that everyone reaches there adventure.

Where everybody knows your name

You remember the theme song from Cheers? You know, the bar "where everybody knows your name"? That is what my doctor's office feels like half the time. I walk in and the nurses and doctors all know me - they know when the last time I came in was, they know why I'm coming and and where I am in the cycle. It is really a great feeling that you are around people who are interested in your progress and that you are not just part of a factory of patients seeking care. Though we are leaving the office, we are moving away and will have to find a new place, with hopefully the same attention and care to the patients. I'm sure I'll still go into the next office with the theme song from cheers running through my head.

Popping Buttons

The things we go through when struggling with infertility - most people probably think of the emotional turmoil, the financial ramifications (no big vacation for us) and the many doctor appointments and medications. Me, I think of popping buttons; shirt buttons that is. The joy of fertility medication is the effect it has on your body. For me - one of those includes a "little" swelling on the top part - I can't just pull anything out of my closet to wear, but need to think about the looser clothes - one's without buttons down the middle. Though it is humorous to try on a top you always thought fit you, close the button and have it open itself immediately - luckily I only tried this twice before giving up and realizing that shirt can go in the back of the closet now. The emotional, financial and intimate relationship with the appointment desk at the doctor's office are all still there - though we've added the popping buttons - the need to provide some lighthearted amusement to the whole process seems to be built in for our enjoyment - maybe I will try on another button down shirt tomorrow...

Gambling for Treatment

So within about a 15 minute drive of the Las Vegas strip there are 4 different fertility clinics. How do I know this you might ask? I was privileged enough to visit one of these "fine" institutions while in Vegas for a conference - yes, fertility treatment does not stop for anything. So it took calling 3 of the clinics before I could find one that would see an out-of-town patient, and apparently they assumed I was going to go gambling first so I could afford a visit to their office. Though that only would have worked at the $5 black jack table if I won every hand for a couple of hours. Amazing the Vegas office was twice as much as my DC office - and made me wait even longer. There was one thing I noticed that was very interesting. In DC I am usually the youngest looking patient in the office. In Vegas, I seemed to fit right in - whether people on the west coast just look younger or the multitude of wedding chapels gets people thinking about infertility at a younger age - I couldn't tell you - but in an odd way I felt a little more comfortable sitting in their waiting room (that was of course until I got the bill). The bottom line is, in dealing with infertility treatment the end result might be a gamble, but the treatment we never gamble with. Many people may be able to relate to the emotional side of infertility, but what they don't get is how it so controls every aspect of your life. I couldn't stop seeing a doctor for ever a couple of days, I checked in with the TSA about how to bring my needles and medication on the plane, I always have to make sure when it is time to give myself my shot I am with my medication, supplies and supposedly in a convenient place to do it - though I was privileged to give myself a shot on a turbulent plane. I refuse to gamble for treatment, besides the economic impact, the chance that there is something in my power to do - I must push full forward. The result is not up to me and I recognize that gamble and the payoff for winning...that's is something I would gamble all my money for.